In January, I had a conversation with my husband about how I was having an "existential crisis." I felt like I was not doing enough. My husband immediately became upset and said that it was like our marriage had been a lie and that I wasn't who I said I was. What I wanted to tell him was that I feel like I don't give back to the community or help others like I should. But I didn't say that. He was very upset and as usual when we have uncomfortable discussions, walked away making me feel lost.

Our marriage is not perfect. No marriage is, but I thought that we made each other happy. We have 3 beautiful boys and a roof over our heads. We have 3 successful businesses. We have more blessings than we can count.

My husband is a workaholic. There are many times, especially recently, that I believe that he would rather work than be at home. 6 years ago, our first son was born. My husband was starting his first dental practice and was hardly home. At a time when I needed support, he was not there. 18 months later, our second son was born and the same pattern continued. We moved to the suburbs to accommodate our expanding family. Our third son came another 18 months later. While my husband was slightly more involved with our third he still wasn't the support I needed to help raise 3 small boys.

After our conversation in January, my husband slept in the guest room for weeks. He barely talked to me and when he did it was usually perfunctory. We finally had a conversation after he had been drinking. He told me that he should never have gotten married or had kids. Wow, that was a revelation and really stung. He told me that I would end up exactly like my dad - an atheist and he didn't want that for his kids. He also said that he was unhappy. I asked him what he wanted to do and his reply was that he wanted me to leave him alone for a while. Both my husband and I are non confrontational so our silence and lack of conversation ensued for weeks. Everytime I would talk to him, he would not respond or tell me to leave him alone because I was nagging him. He began to spend more time with friends, often not coming home at night.

I have felt for a long time like a single mother. D provides financial support and some parenting when he's home, but not much more than that. In February, D took a trip to Vegas with some friends. He stopped asking me or even telling me that he was going. He didn't call except to return my calls. One afternoon while he was there, he informed me that he went skydiving. WHAT?!?! I have no problem with him doing things like this, but I would like to be told first. I joked that while he was going to Hoover Dam, maybe he should also bungee jump from the dam. He laughed.

During this time, he stopped wearing his wedding band. I asked him where it was and he said he lost it. His going out and staying away late at night only got worse. I asked him where he was, and he replied at his friend Dave's house. He did tell me about a particular conversation with a lawyer friend about me saying that his friend commented on how understanding I was to let him go out so frequently. D's comment was that as long as the bank account was filled with money, I would let him do whatever he wanted. When I thought about that comment, I realized he was right. I would tolerate his behavior as long as the kids and I were provided for.

We were intimate 2 times, both in February. Something had changed, I didn't feel anything. We hadn't been talking for weeks and then this. I tried to be intimate another time, but he pushed me away saying that he needed to go and get work done at the office. He didn't come home that night. One night, when Dustin was getting ready to go out for the night, I asked him if he would stay and watch a movie with me. He replied that he didn't want to be lectured or nagged and that was always what happened when he was at home. I asked him where he saw us in 10 years and he said without hesitation "divorced." I couldn't believe it. There it was - the ugly D word.  
I have to admit it had also danced in my thoughts, but I had never said it out loud. It was so real. I asked him if he would see a counselor with me - either a pastor or a family therapist. He refused saying that only people who can't solve their own problems see a therapist. He then told me that I should start to take care of myself and go the the gym. Also, why would he want to stay home when he came home to me - a wet rat (he gets home so late that I've usually gotten out of the shower) with sweats or PJ's on. He walked out.



Weeks later we're vacationing in St Thomas. What was I thinking, trying to breathe life into a marriage that was dead. I had almost no help on the trip. The boys had a great time, but deep inside I was sad. We didn't see D for breakfast or lunch. We had a couple of dinners with him. One dinner, D had questioned me about why I changed our automatic withdrawal for church. I told him because I was in survival mode and that when our bank account was consistently negative, I had to look for expenses to cut. He called me a moron and told me I was as stupid as 99% of the population. Money had never been a problem before, so not having enough money to pay the bills was very concerning to me. After he said this, I said I'm done, I can't do this anymore. That night, he actually helped give the boys a shower and then left. He came back later that night - and slept in the boys room. I got no help on the airplane and then when we returned home late, he said he had to go to the office to get work done but that he had had a good trip.

If I had known then what I know now...the nights away, the pushing off of my affection, the refusal to get counseling, not going to church, not wearing his ring, changing his phone and computer password.  It all started to add up. A fried had suggested that maybe he was having an affair. D would have been the last person in the world that I thought would have an affair. I still refused to believe it until one day, his office manager, who normally worked at another office, was at my office. I was talking to her about her boyfriend and she said that they had broken up in mid-January. About the time D and I started having problems. A warning sound in my brain went off, but I still refused to believe it.

Weeks later, D went on a marketing meeting to Scottsdale. I wasn't aware initially, but he had taken his office manager. I found out at work that she went with him and I asked him about it. He casually replied that he needed someone there to help him with his presentation. Recently, I called the hotel and they confirmed his reservation, but not a reservation for the office manager meaning they used only 1 room.

He went to another conference to Cleveland and got back on Saturday but didn't come home till Sunday afternoon.

I finally had to see for myself. My gut was telling me to look for him. ONe morning, taking the kids to school, I drove by his office at 7 am. No car. I had looked up the office managers address and since it was on the way to school, drove by her apartment. There was his car in front of her building. There is no good reason for a man with a wife and 3 kids to be parked at his employees apt at 7am.