I think I blew it...I had a terrible day today. Work was miserable. Everything was disorganized. I had asked the staff several times to do something that didn't get done. Nobody knew what was going on with the patients, and I just couldn't be around her. It had taken it's toll on me. The killing her with kindness was just not working today. I left at lunch because I had had it. I was being a tad bit dramatic, but considering what I had been through, I thought I deserved it.
We had a busy day - piano, birthday party. When we got home, D was there. He questioned where we had been. I told him the truth but lied about why I hadn't called (my phone hadn't been charged, I said). But really I just didn't want to talk to him. If he could lie to me, I could do the same. He had said a text message earlier about needing my CMH username and password. He had stolen my trust and there was no way that I could or would give him that information. So I ignored it. We had a surprisingly normal conversation about the day. I told him how frustrating and stressful it was and in typical form he downplayed my feelings saying that the other dentist saw 90 patients and I only saw 12. And that I couldn't handle private practice. Sad thing is he's right. I don't want to be in private practice. I want to be with my boys. Also, my head is reeling from all that has been happening and being in his office, with his paramour was starting to affect my psyche. I told him that he never validates my feelings and makes my problems feel insignificant. I told him I wanted him to get out and leave and that I didn't want to see his face right now. He said that it was his house and he would stay if he wanted. I said it's our house and I want you to leave. D repeated that it was his house and that I would never be able to afford a house like that and everything else he had provided without him. I still told him to get out so that he could go to the office, Dave's house, or Ashley's house. I hadn't meant to let it slip, but it was eating me up not to say something about it. Immediately, I became quiet realizing what I may have jeopardized. He said, do you think I'm having an affair with Ashley. I mentioned then why else would your car be parked there? He asked if I had been following him. I said no. He asked if Sarah had been following him. I said no. He asked then who has been following me? I said that I was just throwing out accusations to try to get some answers to why his behavior was so erratic. He said that he couldn't help it that Dave and Ashley enjoyed his company and he didn't. I had him right there. What I should've said was Are you having and affair with Ashley. But I didn't. I told the chicken shit way out and didn't follow up with anything.
He did eventually go to run and I called Sarah. She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach and wanted to make sure I was OK. I briefly told her about the conversation but as it was her birthday, I didn't want to bring down the mood. I did my wifely duties and took out the trash. He returned from a run as I was bringing out the last trash bag. I hurriedly ran inside just as he was asking if i needed help. No I said and went upstairs to shower. He came in and said he needed a shower too. I told him to take one elsewhere because I was taking one now. We talked a little more about how he would always provide for the children and how he loved them very much. I have never doubted that my husband loved our children. He told me that he still wants to see them. I promised that would be OK. I want my children to have a relationship with their father. I want for this to be amicable. I don't want anyone to be hurt, especially not the kids. I would give anything to go back to 2 years ago (when D said things started to break down between us) or maybe even before. If I had a crystal ball, I would've fought for my marriage and fought for our family. But it's not two years ago. It's the painful, miserable present day. How desperately I wish I could fast forward or reverse. I would rather be at any other point in time than now. I don't want to hurt my husband. I love(d) him. He's the father of my children and was supposed to be my soulmate and partner in life. I made a sacred commitment to be married until death do us part. How could and why is this happening? I ask him to get out. He takes some clothes and toiletries with him. I ask him how it got to this point. He says he doesn't know. He asks that the next husband be good to our kids. That makes me cry. I tell him that the kids are the most important things in the world to me and I want someone that will love them and spend time raising them and love and respect me. He says that HE loves them and wants to spend time with them. I then repeat the love and respect me part. He claims he does respect me. I tell him that I can't forgive his erratic behavior - He laughs it off and says that when the only thing that you can do for your family is make money and you're not doing that very well, then you feel like a failure.
He lingers in our bedroom, the room we once shared as a happily married couple, and looked at the pictures of our beautiful boys. I could see the sadness in his eyes. Again, he begged me to let him be a part of the boys lives and to marry someone who would be good to them. Then he said he was sorry. I said sorry too. I cried as he left. When I heard the garage door open and close, the tears started pouring down my face. I picked up the phone and dialed his cell phone. I asked him if he wanted to be married. He said he wanted to be married if it meant he got to see the kids. I had hoped he would say that of course he wanted to be married and that he still loved me and wanted to make things work, but I know better now. He has not been invested for a long time. I told him that of course he would get to see the kids and he responded he would believe it when he saw it. We hung up. I tried calling my friend and left an emotional voicemail.
Now the doubt settles in. Is this what I really want? Do I want to break up my family? Do I want our children to have to deal with emotional issues and relationship issues for the rest of their lives? Do D and I deserve to be happy or do we sacrifice our feelings for the well-being of our children. Am I wrong about the cheating? Was he parked there because he was tired and had had a glass of wine and didn't want to drive? But how does that explain being there all weekend? How does that explain the lack of intimacy? How does that explain the new password protected access on his computer and phone. How does that explain the mood swings? How does that explain her presence on the Arizona trip? How does that explain his upcoming trip and why there are two guests in Orlando? I desperately want to ask him these questions. Will I ever know the answers? Will he ever be truthful with me? Am I wrong? The guilt about what I've done sits heavily with me. Have I just ruined my divorce case? The attorney advised me not to say anything until we have all our information. How could I have jeopardized the case? I guess the "affair" was really getting to me. Will he stay over there again? Will he be careful? I really feel bad. I know D is stressed out and hate to add to his stress. I don't want to hurt him despite everything we've been through. I truly believe he's a good person, but has different priorities. I think he's strayed off the path of righteousness and i hope and pray he is able to get back on. He said that he shouldn't have gotten married and had kids but that he never regretted having kids and that they were the best things in his life. I do not doubt his love for them and very much want him to be a part of their lives.
I am thinking about letting him stay in the guest room if he wants until the house sells. Not sure if he'll agree to it, but at least he'd have a place to stay and could see the kids...
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