How did we get here?

I think I blew it...I had a terrible day today. Work was miserable. Everything was disorganized. I had asked the staff several times to do something that didn't get done. Nobody knew what was going on with the patients, and I just couldn't be around her. It had taken it's toll on me. The killing her with kindness was just not working today. I left at lunch because I had had it. I was being a tad bit dramatic, but considering what I had been through, I thought I deserved it.

We had a busy day - piano, birthday party. When we got home, D was there. He questioned where we had been. I told him the truth but lied about why I hadn't called (my phone hadn't been charged, I said). But really I just didn't want to talk to him. If he could lie to me, I could do the same. He had said a text message earlier about needing my CMH username and password. He had stolen my trust and there was no way that I could or would give him that information. So I ignored it. We had a surprisingly normal conversation about the day. I told him how frustrating and stressful it was and in typical form he downplayed my feelings saying that the other dentist saw 90 patients and I only saw 12. And that I couldn't handle private practice. Sad thing is he's right. I don't want to be in private practice. I want to be with my boys. Also, my head is reeling from all that has been happening and being in his office, with his paramour was starting to affect my psyche. I told him that he never validates my feelings and makes my problems feel insignificant. I told him I wanted him to get out and leave and that I didn't want to see his face right now. He said that it was his house and he would stay if he wanted. I said it's our house and I want you to leave. D repeated that it was his house and that I would never be able to afford a house like that and everything else he had provided without him. I still told him to get out so that he could go to the office, Dave's house, or Ashley's house. I hadn't meant to let it slip, but it was eating me up not to say something about it. Immediately, I became quiet realizing what I may have jeopardized. He said, do you think I'm having an affair with Ashley. I mentioned then why else would your car be parked there? He asked if I had been following him. I said no. He asked if Sarah had been following him. I said no. He asked then who has been following me? I said that I was just throwing out accusations to try to get some answers to why his behavior was so erratic. He said that he couldn't help it that Dave and Ashley enjoyed his company and he didn't. I had him right there. What I should've said was Are you having and affair with Ashley. But I didn't. I told the chicken shit way out and didn't follow up with anything.

He did eventually go to run and I called Sarah. She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach and wanted to make sure I was OK. I briefly told her about the conversation but as it was her birthday, I didn't want to bring down the mood. I did my wifely duties and took out the trash. He returned from a run as I was bringing out the last trash bag. I hurriedly ran inside just as he was asking if i needed help. No I said and went upstairs to shower. He came in and said he needed a shower too. I told him to take one elsewhere because I was taking one now. We talked a little more about how he would always provide for the children and how he loved them very much. I have never doubted that my husband loved our children. He told me that he still wants to see them. I promised that would be OK. I want my children to have a relationship with their father. I want for this to be amicable. I don't want anyone to be hurt, especially not the kids. I would give anything to go back to 2 years ago (when D said things started to break down between us) or maybe even before. If I had a crystal ball, I would've fought for my marriage and fought for our family. But it's not two years ago. It's the painful, miserable present day. How desperately I wish I could fast forward or reverse. I would rather be at any other point in time than now. I don't want to hurt my husband. I love(d) him. He's the father of my children and was supposed to be my soulmate and partner in life. I made a sacred commitment to be married until death do us part. How could and why is this happening? I ask him to get out. He takes some clothes and toiletries with him. I ask him how it got to this point. He says he doesn't know. He asks that the next husband be good to our kids. That makes me cry. I tell him that the kids are the most important things in the world to me and I want someone that will love them and spend time raising them and love and respect me. He says that HE loves them and wants to spend time with them. I then repeat the love and respect me part. He claims he does respect me. I tell him that I can't forgive his erratic behavior - He laughs it off and says that when the only thing that you can do for your family is make money and you're not doing that very well, then you feel like a failure.
 
He lingers in our bedroom, the room we once shared as a happily married couple, and looked at the pictures of our beautiful boys. I could see the sadness in his eyes. Again, he begged me to let him be a part of the boys lives and to marry someone who would be good to them. Then he said he was sorry. I said sorry too.  I cried as he left. When I heard the garage door open and close, the tears started pouring down my face. I picked up the phone and dialed his cell phone. I asked him if he wanted to be married. He said he wanted to be married if it meant he got to see the kids.  I had hoped he would say that of course he wanted to be married and that he still loved me and wanted to make things work, but I know better now. He has not been invested for a long time. I told him that of course he would get to see the kids and he responded he would believe it when he saw it. We hung up. I tried calling my friend and left an emotional voicemail.

Now the doubt settles in. Is this what I really want? Do I want to break up my family? Do I want our children to have to deal with emotional issues and relationship issues for the rest of their lives? Do D and I deserve to be happy or do we sacrifice our feelings for the well-being of our children. Am I wrong about the cheating? Was he parked there because he was tired and had had a glass of wine and didn't want to drive? But how does that explain being there all weekend? How does that explain the lack of intimacy? How does that explain the new password protected access on his computer and phone. How does that explain the mood swings? How does that explain her presence on the Arizona trip? How does that explain his upcoming trip and why there are two guests in Orlando? I desperately want to ask him these questions. Will I ever know the answers? Will he ever be truthful with me? Am I wrong? The guilt about what I've done sits heavily with me. Have I just ruined my divorce case? The attorney advised me not to say anything until we have all our information. How could I have jeopardized the case?  I guess the "affair" was really getting to me. Will he stay over there again? Will he be careful? I really feel bad. I know D is stressed out and hate to add to his stress. I don't want to hurt him despite everything we've been through. I truly believe he's a good person, but has different priorities. I think he's strayed off the path of righteousness and i hope and pray he is able to get back on. He said that he shouldn't have gotten married and had kids but that he never regretted having kids and that they were the best things in his life. I do not doubt his love for them and very much want him to be a part of their lives.

I am thinking about letting him stay in the guest room if he wants until the house sells. Not sure if he'll agree to it, but at least he'd have a place to stay and could see the kids...

In January, I had a conversation with my husband about how I was having an "existential crisis." I felt like I was not doing enough. My husband immediately became upset and said that it was like our marriage had been a lie and that I wasn't who I said I was. What I wanted to tell him was that I feel like I don't give back to the community or help others like I should. But I didn't say that. He was very upset and as usual when we have uncomfortable discussions, walked away making me feel lost.

Our marriage is not perfect. No marriage is, but I thought that we made each other happy. We have 3 beautiful boys and a roof over our heads. We have 3 successful businesses. We have more blessings than we can count.

My husband is a workaholic. There are many times, especially recently, that I believe that he would rather work than be at home. 6 years ago, our first son was born. My husband was starting his first dental practice and was hardly home. At a time when I needed support, he was not there. 18 months later, our second son was born and the same pattern continued. We moved to the suburbs to accommodate our expanding family. Our third son came another 18 months later. While my husband was slightly more involved with our third he still wasn't the support I needed to help raise 3 small boys.

After our conversation in January, my husband slept in the guest room for weeks. He barely talked to me and when he did it was usually perfunctory. We finally had a conversation after he had been drinking. He told me that he should never have gotten married or had kids. Wow, that was a revelation and really stung. He told me that I would end up exactly like my dad - an atheist and he didn't want that for his kids. He also said that he was unhappy. I asked him what he wanted to do and his reply was that he wanted me to leave him alone for a while. Both my husband and I are non confrontational so our silence and lack of conversation ensued for weeks. Everytime I would talk to him, he would not respond or tell me to leave him alone because I was nagging him. He began to spend more time with friends, often not coming home at night.

I have felt for a long time like a single mother. D provides financial support and some parenting when he's home, but not much more than that. In February, D took a trip to Vegas with some friends. He stopped asking me or even telling me that he was going. He didn't call except to return my calls. One afternoon while he was there, he informed me that he went skydiving. WHAT?!?! I have no problem with him doing things like this, but I would like to be told first. I joked that while he was going to Hoover Dam, maybe he should also bungee jump from the dam. He laughed.

During this time, he stopped wearing his wedding band. I asked him where it was and he said he lost it. His going out and staying away late at night only got worse. I asked him where he was, and he replied at his friend Dave's house. He did tell me about a particular conversation with a lawyer friend about me saying that his friend commented on how understanding I was to let him go out so frequently. D's comment was that as long as the bank account was filled with money, I would let him do whatever he wanted. When I thought about that comment, I realized he was right. I would tolerate his behavior as long as the kids and I were provided for.

We were intimate 2 times, both in February. Something had changed, I didn't feel anything. We hadn't been talking for weeks and then this. I tried to be intimate another time, but he pushed me away saying that he needed to go and get work done at the office. He didn't come home that night. One night, when Dustin was getting ready to go out for the night, I asked him if he would stay and watch a movie with me. He replied that he didn't want to be lectured or nagged and that was always what happened when he was at home. I asked him where he saw us in 10 years and he said without hesitation "divorced." I couldn't believe it. There it was - the ugly D word.  
I have to admit it had also danced in my thoughts, but I had never said it out loud. It was so real. I asked him if he would see a counselor with me - either a pastor or a family therapist. He refused saying that only people who can't solve their own problems see a therapist. He then told me that I should start to take care of myself and go the the gym. Also, why would he want to stay home when he came home to me - a wet rat (he gets home so late that I've usually gotten out of the shower) with sweats or PJ's on. He walked out.



Weeks later we're vacationing in St Thomas. What was I thinking, trying to breathe life into a marriage that was dead. I had almost no help on the trip. The boys had a great time, but deep inside I was sad. We didn't see D for breakfast or lunch. We had a couple of dinners with him. One dinner, D had questioned me about why I changed our automatic withdrawal for church. I told him because I was in survival mode and that when our bank account was consistently negative, I had to look for expenses to cut. He called me a moron and told me I was as stupid as 99% of the population. Money had never been a problem before, so not having enough money to pay the bills was very concerning to me. After he said this, I said I'm done, I can't do this anymore. That night, he actually helped give the boys a shower and then left. He came back later that night - and slept in the boys room. I got no help on the airplane and then when we returned home late, he said he had to go to the office to get work done but that he had had a good trip.

If I had known then what I know now...the nights away, the pushing off of my affection, the refusal to get counseling, not going to church, not wearing his ring, changing his phone and computer password.  It all started to add up. A fried had suggested that maybe he was having an affair. D would have been the last person in the world that I thought would have an affair. I still refused to believe it until one day, his office manager, who normally worked at another office, was at my office. I was talking to her about her boyfriend and she said that they had broken up in mid-January. About the time D and I started having problems. A warning sound in my brain went off, but I still refused to believe it.

Weeks later, D went on a marketing meeting to Scottsdale. I wasn't aware initially, but he had taken his office manager. I found out at work that she went with him and I asked him about it. He casually replied that he needed someone there to help him with his presentation. Recently, I called the hotel and they confirmed his reservation, but not a reservation for the office manager meaning they used only 1 room.

He went to another conference to Cleveland and got back on Saturday but didn't come home till Sunday afternoon.

I finally had to see for myself. My gut was telling me to look for him. ONe morning, taking the kids to school, I drove by his office at 7 am. No car. I had looked up the office managers address and since it was on the way to school, drove by her apartment. There was his car in front of her building. There is no good reason for a man with a wife and 3 kids to be parked at his employees apt at 7am.